帮我看看这篇雅思作文 打个分Today,there are more and more people can only depend on their own society and community when they are in trouble.This phenomenon has caused a hot discussion that whether communities should pay attention to othe

帮我看看这篇雅思作文 打个分Today,there are more and more people can only depend on their own society and community when they are in trouble.This phenomenon has caused a hot discussion that whether communities should pay attention to othe
帮我看看这篇雅思作文 打个分
Today,there are more and more people can only depend on their own society and community when they are in trouble.This phenomenon has caused a hot discussion that whether communities should pay attention to other society’s people .Some individuals argue that we should help anyone who needs help regardless of their group.In my opinion I argee with their view.
Obviously,because of the powerful media .We can got lots of information about other countries’,and we should help them when they were in trouble.I have two reasons to prove it .First,the people who need help can solve the problem effectively if they receive more assistance,take China for example,as we know there was a severe disaster which occurred in SiChuan Provine in 2008 ,as a consequence numerous people have lost their home and what is more tens of thousands of people lost their lives,but thanks to the help from many other countries,the salvage is successful moreover the work of rebuilding is intensive.Second ,…………………………………………………………..
However there are sill some people insist that they can only rely on their own community,as in their opinion ,to get help from other countries’people is impossible and credulous.The gap of distance is truly existed and it seems to me the main problem to stop them from getting other’s assists.While according to the advance technology,the problem may be insignificant,for instance we can connected with different countries’ people though the internet.
To conclude ,after considering the factors above,I think we should concern about the people
Who was in trouble regardless of their communities
这是写的组略的一个框架 帮忙懂的人看看 这样写的话 雅思作文会满6嘛?

帮我看看这篇雅思作文 打个分Today,there are more and more people can only depend on their own society and community when they are in trouble.This phenomenon has caused a hot discussion that whether communities should pay attention to othe
我在国外,个人只改过雅思的口语,因为写作培训的时候我去开会了.所以,我的评估不一定准确哈.你自己掂量着看吧.
我个人会给你5.5,还达不到6的标准.
你的文段语意还是清楚易懂的,这就是4分以上了.你的用词比较丰富多样,基本句式语法合理,但是还不够准确,所以5分以上,但是不到6.
如何提高：
1. 第一段废话少说,直接点明自己的观点.前面两句都是topic的重述,没意义,改卷人一般一个周末领n篇卷子,5-8分钟看一篇,还得按分类把成绩写下来,然后算出来.所以,同一篇topic看到你这儿估计已经恶心了.你还是给改卷的老师一个爽快吧：要不要在...时帮人?你觉得要帮人.下面我从几方面back up.
2. 媒体跟你的论点无关,而且你写了个first, 没见第二个观点在哪儿.虽然改卷人不会要求你的论据多么充分,但是至少要读之有物,条理清楚吧.举例子啊：帮人可以因果循环,你这次帮人,下次也会被人帮-- 反过来,人人都自保,不帮人,那下次你自己遇麻烦了咋办涅；帮人可以让自己和别人都快乐--反过来,不帮人,其实心里内疚；帮人乃举手之劳,其实没那么费劲-- 不帮人自己也没做什么事儿...
3.你写得还是短了点.在一点时间内完成的语言表达量也是反映语言能力的一个标准.至少再加一段半吧.
4.你要学会用套句,用高级点的词汇.去背十几句样本句,把好词用上.只要不太俗,改卷人是读不出来的.多几个好句子和贴切的词汇,我们会觉得你的词汇量比较好,就比较靠谱了.
5.避免低级错误,比如这句里,Obviously, because of the powerful media .We can got lots of information about other countries’,and we should help them when they were in trouble. I
-- because of...之后是逗号,不应另起一句,因为because of 是插入语,非完整的句子；
-- can got 时态
像第二段首句,这是战略关键点啊.基于你第一段讲的都似乎废话--重述论题,老师是很看重你的第二段首句的哈,结果不仅言之无物,还有语法错误,那么这个分数自然上不去.把你的样板句摆这儿,既保证了准确度,质量档次也上去了.
好了,先这样.你得给我加分啊.累死我了.祝好运.