托福tpo 10 独立写作求改结构,论述,句子都有什么不足还请多指教啊...这个大概能得多少分呢?Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Playing computer games is a waste of time.Children should not be allowed to

托福tpo 10 独立写作求改结构,论述,句子都有什么不足还请多指教啊...这个大概能得多少分呢?Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Playing computer games is a waste of time.Children should not be allowed to
托福tpo 10 独立写作求改
结构,论述,句子都有什么不足还请多指教啊...这个大概能得多少分呢?
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Playing computer games is a waste of time.Children should not be allowed to play them.
In recent decades,an epoch of information technology,the development of computer games provides people with a new way of entertainment.But many people think children playing computer games is a waste of time.But I hold a different view.
I disagree with the point that children should not be permitted to play computer games.
First,I think computer games provide children with a temporary escape from the stressful learning and give them relaxation.Nowadays,heavy school work makes a lot of children feel stressful and depression.And playing computer games is a fantastic method for them to relieve this kind of feeling.They can immerse them in a world of game and forget the problems for a moment.To some extent,it may have some positive effect to their study.Children can be refreshing after playing computer games,so they will be full of energy when they go back to learning.
For another point,in the course of playing computer games,children can build many good characteristics which are dispensable for their comprehensive development.For instance,when children play the Counter Strike,a shooting game,they must from a team to defeat their enemies.In this process,they will learn how to cooperate with other team members so it would develop their teamwork.
As a critical point,playing computer games can develop children's intellectual level.Some people may think it is ridiculous,but here are some examples.In the game Super Mario,in order to gain more scores,children must have a sensitive reaction.So play the game can help children develop good response ability.And many games have a background full of culture and history knowledge,which make children learn many things in the process of entertainment.So if children often play these kinds of games,it will be beneficial to their intellectual development.
From the several perspective I propose,I think playing computer games isn't a bad activity for children,some people may think that playing computer games will have negative influence on their study,but I believe as long as children can play them in the proper time and not be addicted to it,the benefit will be much larger than its disadvantage.

托福tpo 10 独立写作求改结构,论述,句子都有什么不足还请多指教啊...这个大概能得多少分呢?Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Playing computer games is a waste of time.Children should not be allowed to
我嘴比较毒,不要见怪啊
1.正式英语里面but,and,so不要拿来开头
2.I disagree with the point that children should not be permitted to play computer games
我不赞同儿童不该被允许玩电脑游戏的观点 如果你要state your point,尽量用最简洁的句子
3.I think computer games...这种句子前面去掉i think会让别人觉得这就是客观的,更有力一点
4.And playing computer games is a fantastic method for them to relieve this kind of feeling.They can immerse them in a world of game and forget the problems for a moment.问题一：前面还是单数,后面就they了 问题二;指代不清 they 和them是什么?and是并列的话 they forget the problems for a moment是电脑游戏暂时忘记了问题吗
5.Children,provide..with...用的太多 ridiculous偏口语化 诸位不一致的情况很多啊,they must from a team ,children's intellectual level,children must have a sensitive reaction,good response ability...
6.因为我在一所国际学校学了三年,老师告诉我们他觉得学生写作最大的三个问题就是1.Use big words 2.Not specific 3.more examples than explanation.文章里的people是谁?老师家长么?既然后面已经解释了玩游戏也是有好处的,to some extent就显得没有意义了.Build good characteristics具体是什么?为什么后面只举了一个团队合作的例子?
Some people may think it is ridiculous,but here are some examples.这句话太可怕了!
这篇文章里开头结尾两段掐掉,body paragraphs里面例子完全多过解释,要是写SAT作文还可以,但是放在一个偏argumentive essay里面简直%#……%#……啊.逻辑性要加强,logic一定要大于emotion

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