请高手帮忙修改评价这篇托福作文In our modern society,though people tend to specialize in a specific area and make further development,some people also suspect the idea.Some argue about whether art,music,and drama should be a part of eve

请高手帮忙修改评价这篇托福作文In our modern society,though people tend to specialize in a specific area and make further development,some people also suspect the idea.Some argue about whether art,music,and drama should be a part of eve
请高手帮忙修改评价这篇托福作文
In our modern society,though people tend to specialize in a specific area and make further development,some people also suspect the idea.Some argue about whether art,music,and drama should be a part of every child’s basic education.In my opinion,I think it should be.For example,it can preserve the local and national culture,improve children’s ability to appreciate beauty,open up the children’s eyes,and so on so forth.
First of all,learning these kind of subjects can help to preserve the cultures in local areas or in a nation.As is known to us all,many cultures suffer from becoming extinct and being forgotten by the local civilians.If we give such lessons to children,I think that it wil help to enlarge the popularity of the cultures,make the cultures more well-known.By this method,the cultures can be preserved,and people can pass on them from generation to generation.
Subsequently,taking these courses can help children to make progress about their ability of appreciating beauty.What will happen if few people in the future can’t find or appreciate beauty?Maybe the world would become dull and not interesting.Furthermore,not only can it helps children find beauty,but also can also help some children who want to specialize in art,music,drama.Children will learn lots of experience and knowledge about asthetics during the study time.
Later on,these courses can help children to know more about the world.With teachers’ help,it can open up their eyes by just sitting in the classroom.All the best cultures in the world can be absorbed by the children in class.To some extent,the outstanding cultures in other areas of world are also widely spreaded by the approach.For example,we know that Hamlet is the most famous drama written by Shakespear.With the courses taken,children learn more about English literature,more about the predominance of shakespear’s scipts.This may have a significant influence in their childhood and may lead to a better way.
In conclusion,I want to say that there are some advantages and drawbacks about taking the courses,but if we consider it in a provident look,we may find that the advantages outweigh more than the disadvantages on this issue.Moreover,no matter which methond is used,the method should be beneficial to children’s future,and the development the their homeland.

请高手帮忙修改评价这篇托福作文In our modern society,though people tend to specialize in a specific area and make further development,some people also suspect the idea.Some argue about whether art,music,and drama should be a part of eve
第一段,Some argue about whether art,music,and drama should be a part of every child’s basic education.In my opinion,I think it should be.
改成 I think that they should be included in early education.
第二段,词汇多样性,不要老用preserved 比如 maintained protected 都可以啊
第三段 What will happen if few people in the future can’t find or appreciate beauty?Maybe the world would become dull and not interesting.这句话逻辑有问题啊,如果将来几乎没有人不可以体验美了 你的意思是如果将来没有可以体验美吧?can't 换成can 还有不要用缩写
but also can also help改成but also help
hamlet的例子不错,但是词拼错了 script
总的来说还可以,问题是小错太多,重复词汇比较多,基本全篇都是can,其实词汇不在量大,简单词一样可以多变,make let lead to 都可以有can的意思,要多用用.句式上,有些句子可以两句合为一句,试试定语从句.