帮我点评一下这篇托福作文,看看能多少分求 各种拍砖People work because they need money to live.What are some other reasons that people work?Discuss one or more of these reasons.Use specific examples and details to support your ans

帮我点评一下这篇托福作文,看看能多少分求 各种拍砖People work because they need money to live.What are some other reasons that people work?Discuss one or more of these reasons.Use specific examples and details to support your ans
帮我点评一下这篇托福作文,看看能多少分
求 各种拍砖
People work because they need money to live.What are some other reasons that people work?Discuss one or more of these reasons.Use specific examples and details to support your answer.
Nowadays with the rapid development of the economic,money plays a more important role in the modern society in one’s life.Money makes the world go around it is so important that we could not survival in the society without it so it is becoming a controversial public debating today that whether people used to work because of the money?Money is certainly very important even the child knows that they can use it buy ice creams,candies,but indeed money is not the only one reason why people works,there are some other intentions for the majority of people.
As far as indicial is concerned,people work not only for money but also for sense of accomplishment.Look at the celebrities,did they work for money?Of course not,all of them have an enormous amount of money,however they work for the sense of accomplishment even though they have such a lot of money.In this case there is no doubt that people work for accomplishment.Just suppose that you have finished an Arduous task,how is the feeling then?That sense of accomplishment always fascinated by the people,whether man or woman,young or old.What’s more for the majority of people,sense of accomplishment has become the focus of their lives and source of their happiness and contentment which they could not possessed from money.So above all sense of accomplishment is one of the main factors that why people works.
Secondly,to be recognized is equally important which could provide a exult feelings.Recognized means your capability is confirmed by others and derived from the contribution of the work.Such recognize is basis on the work,which means works provide you a wonderful platform to prove your capability.
Last but not least,as the only one who can earn the bread,I could not discard my family,in other words I have responsibility to my family to earn the money therefore responsible is another equally important factor.
Then again money is important but it is not the essential intention why people go to work,sense of accomplishment,recognized,responsible,is the fundamental factors why people go to work.

帮我点评一下这篇托福作文,看看能多少分求 各种拍砖People work because they need money to live.What are some other reasons that people work?Discuss one or more of these reasons.Use specific examples and details to support your ans
好多语法错误啊（单复数和时态为主,自己读一遍,比较明显,这个丢分很厉害的）
现在tofel作文字数限制不是300字么,你现在这个395字.（我当初是啊）
还有亲身经历告诉你,tofel作文短小精悍比较好（甚至不写完都行,我就是,不写完29分）,也就是说,你用词要丰富,句式要多样（但不要长句,最多一层从句就够了）

语句虽通顺，但不精简，像流水账。错字蛮多，语法也有错误。希望改正！！

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