可以提供几篇幽默一点的英语演讲稿吗,长度三分钟左右,急用,谢谢了!

可以提供几篇幽默一点的英语演讲稿吗,长度三分钟左右,急用,谢谢了!
可以提供几篇幽默一点的英语演讲稿吗,长度三分钟左右,急用,谢谢了!

可以提供几篇幽默一点的英语演讲稿吗,长度三分钟左右,急用,谢谢了!
And it was always seldom scrooge that he knew how to keep Christmas well. If any man alive possess knowledge. May that be truly said of us and all of us. And so is Tiny Tim observed God blesses us everyone. And so ends Dickens' masterpiece The Christmas Coral.
Wait a minute, that so the end was a graunchy?
Yeah. Isn't it great book to show up now and take everything?
How come it's called the Christmas Carol anyway?
Yeah, there's nobody in this story named Carol.
Miss Laurance, would please change places with Mr Matthews?
All right, I am a hyperactive, underachieving 11-year-old boy.
I meant physically.
Oh, that takes lesson exactly like a talk.
Why do I have to move?
We were just giving our view of the book.
Yeah, I mean you see literal masterpiece. We say "At"!
Mr Mathews, I'm less interested in your review than I am that you want to understand the material. What in your opinion was Mr Dickens trying to express in his Christmas story.
And if you real * that need ghost will take you the cool places.
"At"!
Fish and steaks. Two things nature never want to put together. What you get?
* and cherry. Two things nature couldn't keep apart.
Since your mom pack it one? I thought you liked fish and steaks.
I do, but I think it's cruel to have a little fish grind when they rib their sticks off.
May I sit down?
No!
Well, since it's empty, I want.
Ah, Christmas, season of together, season of brotherhood.
Season of wool, now I want to ten Christmas gifts, wool. It doesn't matter for ships like socks or sweater, it’s wool and it’s *.
The gift is as important as thought behind it.
What's that behind the wool. This kid doesn't scratch enough?
I agree with Steward.
Oh, no. It's a nut one. Minkins shut off your gift magnet.
I just think we often lose side of the ture meaning of Christmas in the fancy of commercialism
What are you talking about? How we gonna know ask for freedom of commercials?
Christmas is the celebration of the Winter Solstice and ancient tribal ritual whose origins were lost in time.
Yeah, we were just talking about that in the bathroom.
参考资料：http://bbs.putclub.com/index.php?showtopic=92455
Tom and John are exchanging ideas.They are very good friends,yet they have never met.So how do they become friends? By computer! Now the Internet is being used by busnesses,governments and students.In fact,the Internet anyone can use it if his or her computer is connected to it. They can use the Internet to send the emails.Tom and John become friends because they both like the same music.They sent letters to the news group on the Internet where the can discuss it. They find than they have many things in common.
汤姆和约翰在交换意见.他们是很好的朋友,但是他们从来没有见过面.那么他们是怎么成为朋友的呢?通过电脑!现在网络被公司,政府和学生们使用.实际上只要电脑连接在网络上,任何人都可以使用它.他们可以用它来发送电子邮件.汤姆和约翰成为朋友是因为他们喜欢同样的歌曲.他们把邮件发送到网络上的新闻中心,在那里他们可以讨论.他们发现他们有很多相同的地方.
英语幽默：Second language
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步,突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽.
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪,汪,汪”,猫听了非常害怕,拼命跑走了.
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧.”
1.CLINTON'S BIGGEST BILL
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him.
"What is it?" exclaims the President.
"It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?"
"Just go ahead and pay it."
2.A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor to take home. Halfway home, she attempted to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer.
Once at the dealer, she found her salesman and began to excitedly explain that her radio was not working, and they must replace it since she only had one radio station. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it.
She got into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a George Strait song. She was satisfied and started home. After a while she decided to try out the radio and said "rock 'n' roll;" the radio station changed and a song by the Rolling Stones came from the speakers. Quite pleased, the woman continued driving.
A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Asshole!"
...The radio cut over to George Bush's press conference.
3.ORDERING DINNER
Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.
"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says.
The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.
4.911 EMERGENCY NUMBER
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.
The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."
5.THE DEAF WIFE
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
6.BILL TAKES A PLANE RIDE
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
7.THE PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS
An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam.
Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell."
The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!"
The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam"
The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?"
The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are."
With that, the guy said "Good!" plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other student's exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!
8.PRESENTS FOR TEACHER
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
9.DRUNK DRIVING STORIES
Three blokes are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over.
The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in trouble!"
"No," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick them on your foreheads, and the bloke pulls over.
The police officer then walks up and says, "You lads were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?"
"Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give up, so we're on the patch."
10.SMALL TOWN COPS
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"
"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."
http://www.comedy-zone.net/jokes/laugh/crime/crime4.htm