托福作文再次求批改.TOEFL TOEFL TOEFLDo you agree or disagree with the following statement:Younger school children should be required to study art and music in addition to math language,science and history.I am in favor of the statement that

托福作文再次求批改.TOEFL TOEFL TOEFLDo you agree or disagree with the following statement:Younger school children should be required to study art and music in addition to math language,science and history.I am in favor of the statement that
托福作文再次求批改.TOEFL TOEFL TOEFL
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Younger school children should be required to study art and music in addition to math language,science and history.
I am in favor of the statement that students in primary and secondary schools should be required to take artistic courses.With human’s recognition of the world widened,we become more prone to be well-rounded in order to get accustomed to competitive society.Acquiring various qualities allows us to survive under different conditions.Therefore,basic aesthetic knowledge is indispensible for every person to be taught since he or she is young.
Art causes people to be creative and inspired.Submerged in the deep sea of art and music,one may gradually comprehend the metaphysical philosophy,instead of the concrete numbers in textbooks and learn about a different way of understanding life.To illustrate this abstract principle,we just need to take a look into the life of Einstein,one of the greatest physicians in 20th century.Undoubtedly regarded as a giant figure of physics though,Einstein is generally omitted his musical talent.He has been playing violin since six years old.He is fascinated by the harmonious chord in which he cultivated imagination and abstract logic that helps him discover the theory of relativity later.As he said,” Life without playing music is inconceivable for me.It brings me imagination,which is more important than knowledge.”
Apart from the inspiration,art and music also serves as assuagement.Psychologists suggest that listening to classical music causes our body to release reassuring chemicals.For this reason,classical music has been introduced into treatments of mental illnesses.As a result,learning artistic courses massively prevents children from being aggressive and irritable.According to a research done in the suburb of Beijing,children who have learned some sorts of art commit crime about 32 percent less than those have not.
Advantages of studying art and music have been self-evident.What’s more,without the entertainment of art and music,young children will lose a large part of joy studying history and language in school.For the further development of children,music and art lessons should be definitely required in primary and secondary school.
再来一点建议啊再来一点建议啊。最好是有过托福考试经验的。

托福作文再次求批改.TOEFL TOEFL TOEFLDo you agree or disagree with the following statement:Younger school children should be required to study art and music in addition to math language,science and history.I am in favor of the statement that
同志呀.怎么这么多小语病呢?我实在是改得累呀.我也不是为分,就给你点建议吧.
首先,开头方法不恰当.不能一开始就直接说你赞成,要学会引出来.先说下现状,或背景,引出来.
其次,小的语法错误,我就不说了,自己检查是最好的.还有,很多词语不用可以选难词,这样,很不搭调.你看那些托福满分作文,都是用的很简单的词语,哪像您老人家,专门找GRE单词.适当挺好,但是,有点过,而且用得不恰当.最重要的是恰当.
另外,结构不清晰.千万不要舍不得用连词,如firstly,second,finally...外国人死脑筋,你不用,他们就觉得你没有结构.何况,你的结构本身不是很清晰.
最后一个问题,总是被忽视.就是,句式的变换,这点你做得其实挺好,但是,就是太大胆了,啥句型您老人家都敢用,也不管对不对.记住,不要把中文的思路翻译成英语,而要用英语思维来写.
加油吧.