请英语老师或六级大神帮我看看这篇作文这是2012年6月的六级作文,就是一片看图作文,一个父亲问女儿今天在学校过的如何,女儿说你可以在我的博客上看到.请你帮我评评分（15分制,六级老规

请英语老师或六级大神帮我看看这篇作文这是2012年6月的六级作文,就是一片看图作文,一个父亲问女儿今天在学校过的如何,女儿说你可以在我的博客上看到.请你帮我评评分（15分制,六级老规
请英语老师或六级大神帮我看看这篇作文
这是2012年6月的六级作文,就是一片看图作文,一个父亲问女儿今天在学校过的如何,女儿说你可以在我的博客上看到.请你帮我评评分（15分制,六级老规矩）并说说哪有问题,有什么地方可以改进,
The Impact of the Internet Communction
In this picture,we can see a father asked his daughter about her school day and his daughter said to her dad that he can read the information on her blog.From the picture,we can know that the internet has became a inseparable part of our life.It has wide impact acoss the world.However,some people are worry that the interpersonal communication will disapper because of the Internet.
It is right to worry about this.Nowadays,we spend more and more time on the Internet.It let us have less time to commucation with other.What's worse,it will wide the gap between people.Also,some people think they can slove problems and make faithful friends on Internet.
In the way of my thinking,the Internet is just a tool for us .when a friend or family ask how you going
You should communication with him.It can make him more easy to understand your feeling and give you suggestion

请英语老师或六级大神帮我看看这篇作文这是2012年6月的六级作文,就是一片看图作文,一个父亲问女儿今天在学校过的如何,女儿说你可以在我的博客上看到.请你帮我评评分（15分制,六级老规
逐行给你看的
1 communication 单词拼写
2 时态要保持一致.is asking his daughter about her school life.
3. And his daughter tell him to get the answer through her blog on the internet We can know改成 we realize that,
4. an inseparable It impacts the world widely.
5.worry about the disappearance of interpersonal communication .
在第一段的末尾 你应该树立你自己的观点 然后进行分析 最好是在第一段末尾阐述你的观点 下一段进行论述
6. it is meaningful to talk about this topic. Firstly,we spend.on the internet nowadays so that we don't have enough time to communicate with each other.
7. It will widen the gap between people. Also 改成meanwhile
8. 这行句子内容作为论点不够充分 比如总上网让我们的视力变得不好吖 不运动 变胖吖 等等都可以作为论据描述的
9 第三段 一眼看上去内容太少 你的意见 应该多写一些 让老师能看出你要表达的观点才是最重要的 而且 以你的想法应该用in my opinion
10 最后一段 你不应该用 you should 可以改写成 :
Last but not least ,we should use the internet correctly so that we can shrink our distance . we should communicate with our parents more frequently and show more love to them. The more we show our love , the more happiness we can get.
写作文的时候尽量少用被动句 主动的说一些句子一定要阐明自己的观点 在论述部分要多写 第一段描述涂上内容