请高手批改一篇托福作文,Title:People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example,new experiences,career preparation,increased knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university?Use specific reasons and

请高手批改一篇托福作文,Title:People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example,new experiences,career preparation,increased knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university?Use specific reasons and
请高手批改一篇托福作文,
Title:People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example,new experiences,career preparation,increased knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university?Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
With fast development of economy and the changes in concept,more and more students attend college or university after graduating from high school.The reason why they decided to go to college or university is to make themselves more competitive when they find jobs.It goes without saying that an applicant,who holds a famous university diploma,will have more opportunities to be appreciated by employers.
When students attend college,they will be more likely to specialize.For instance,students who are interested in Chemistry in high school,cannot make further research in it,for the knowledge is limited and with much homework to be done.But when they begin the college career,they will find they have more time than before,the laboratories they use are so excellent.The doors of opportunity open to them,they can learn anything that they cannot before.Their desire for knowledge will be stimulated.It is hard for us to imagine how much accomplishment they can make.It is not rare that a student made an outstanding contribution to the society during the university career.
Additionally,go to college or university is also a significant opportunity for teenagers to improve self-care ability.Most schools require first year students boarding in the dormitory.Left the arms of parents,which opens a new page of life,the teenagers with lofty ideals and high aspirations,start a new life.In order to meet the first challenge in life,they try to expand the social relationship.It is generally accepted that friends play an important role in one’s life.For example,Bill Gates together with his friend,Steve Ballmer,created Microsoft Empire.The unique experiences would help students take a first step on the road towards a career in the further plans.
In conclusion,‘Knowledge is power,’ if we attend college or university,we will learn more,and more opportunities will boost to us.

请高手批改一篇托福作文,Title:People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example,new experiences,career preparation,increased knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university?Use specific reasons and
总体上,行文和文笔、措辞都不错.
但一些细节还需润色.篇幅太长,没有时间修正你的细节.
前三段除少量细节,没有大问题.
第四段开头两句很糟糕,修改如下（自己对比原文）：
Additionally,going to university is also a significant opportunity for teenagers to improve their ability to live independently.Most universities require freshmen to live in a dormitory.Leaving their parents turns a new page for the teenagers with lofty ideals and high aspirations.
"turns a new page" 与" starts a new life" 是相同的,没有必要一个意思用两句话表达,不够简练,啰嗦,重复.
最后一句修改：
In conclusion,‘Knowledge is power,’ If we attend university,we will learn more,and more opportunities will boost us.
用“attend university" 就够了,没有必要啰嗦：attend college or university
从行文看,你有点啰嗦,对吗?