can someone help me with my poem?this is again a poem of mine written in my creative writing class.and once again i gotta mentioned that i am not good at English,and don't even know how to write a poem,but not articles.this poem is about my Dad's dea

can someone help me with my poem?this is again a poem of mine written in my creative writing class.and once again i gotta mentioned that i am not good at English,and don't even know how to write a poem,but not articles.this poem is about my Dad's dea
can someone help me with my poem?
this is again a poem of mine written in my creative writing class.and once again i gotta mentioned that i am not good at English,and don't even know how to write a poem,but not articles.
this poem is about my Dad's death
the day you left home,
it was the last time we met on earth,
you had raise me up
for 14 years
and I hadn't paid for you love yet
you were sick in hospital
far away from home
I never had the chance
to visit you
but heard your voice really sick on phone
I held my tears every time we talked
because I believe you would be home
recover and health
3 months passed
you were home
but with a death body
i blamed on you
you had promised me
you would be back home alive
you broke you words
but i did not have chance
no more to forgave you
I love you DAD.
I want someone help me to correct this poem.not to translate it into Chinese.
Thank you

can someone help me with my poem?this is again a poem of mine written in my creative writing class.and once again i gotta mentioned that i am not good at English,and don't even know how to write a poem,but not articles.this poem is about my Dad's dea
这是一首诗再次书面地雷在我创作类.我再次提到的爱,我不擅长英语,甚至不知道如何写一首诗,而不是文章.
这首诗是我父亲的死亡
一天你离开了家,
这是我们最后一次会见了地球上,
你提高我
14年
和我没有支付你爱尚
你生病住院
远离家乡亲人
我没有机会
访问您
但听到你的声音真的生病电话
我于我的眼泪每一次我们交谈
因为我相信你会主页
恢复和健康
3个月过去了
你家
但死刑机构
字母i归咎于你
你答应我
你会活着回家
你打破你的话
但我没有机会
没有更多地原谅你
我爱你爸爸.

I am impressed by the poem,really.
These are my suggestions,I hope these can help you
Suggestion1:
"you had raise me up" ,"raise" could change into "risen"
Suggestion2:
"and I hadn...

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I am impressed by the poem,really.
These are my suggestions,I hope these can help you
Suggestion1:
"you had raise me up" ,"raise" could change into "risen"
Suggestion2:
"and I hadn't paid for you love yet","you" should change into
"your"
Suggestion3:
"far away from home",also can add"far away from me"
Suggestion4:
I think"I never had the chance
to visit you"
can use "I never had a chance
to take care of you"
Suggestion5:
"I held my tears every time (when)we talked "
Suggestion6:
"recover and health(healthy)"
Suggestion7:
"you broke you words
but i did not have chance
no more to forgave you"
can change into
"but you broke you words
i did not have one more chance
to say
that I had forgiven you "
at last
I hope your love can be fowever to your dad.

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鄙人能力有限,仅此提供一下答案.
这是一首诗再次书面地雷在我创作类。我再次提到的爱，我不擅长英语，甚至不知道如何写一首诗，而不是文章。
这首诗是我父亲的死亡
一天你离开了家，
这是我们最后一次会见了地球上，
你提高我
14年
和我没有支付你爱尚
你生病住院
远离家乡亲人
我没有机会
访问您 ...

全部展开

鄙人能力有限,仅此提供一下答案.
这是一首诗再次书面地雷在我创作类。我再次提到的爱，我不擅长英语，甚至不知道如何写一首诗，而不是文章。
这首诗是我父亲的死亡
一天你离开了家，
这是我们最后一次会见了地球上，
你提高我
14年
和我没有支付你爱尚
你生病住院
远离家乡亲人
我没有机会
访问您
但听到你的声音真的生病电话
我于我的眼泪每一次我们交谈
因为我相信你会主页
恢复和健康
3个月过去了
你家
但死刑机构
字母i归咎于你
你答应我
你会活着回家
你打破你的话
但我没有机会
没有更多地原谅你
我爱你爸爸。

收起

二楼才是对的！
注意楼主要求的是【对诗提一些建议】和【检查对错】
而不是叫你们翻译！！！